A Good Day

Just sitting here grasping remnants of thoughts before they quickly flee and are replaced with another...so much swirling through my head these days.  Wondering how Matthew is doing and how he is going to deal with not being able to come home next weekend as we had originally planned, and knowing that he is counting down the days and will be so incredibly sad and won't understand.  Thinking about a lifetime of pain that is clawing its way to the surface and just lies in wait to be freed and being absolutely terrified of all that I will find there...knowing some of what is buried and not knowing the many memories and blocks of time that my memory will not recall.  Then looking at a marriage in shambles...so many wounds and resentments...feelings of being abandoned and on my own to keep our family afloat for so many years.  A husband who is finally making efforts to step up...that's what I've always wanted...why doesn't it feel gratifying now?

Add to that financial stress, fear of failure, fear that my son won't forgive us for the mess we allowed our lives to become...that the damage is too great.  It's the first day that I've had any energy to do anything around the house after coming off of all the narcotics from two surgeries, and while the house is clean, I feel little accomplishment.  People keep saying that there will be good days and bad days along the way...nothing bad has happened today...but I feel like I'm floating in raging waters, just keeping my head above water and gasping for every breath.  Everything is so overwhelming...I'm not even sure where to start.  So as days go, it's certainly not been great day...but I'm thankful for the lack of another crisis, I'm thankful that Kevin is stepping up to help,  that we have a steady income regardless of the amount, and that we have amazing friends that are surrounding us with support and love...so I'm choosing to see this as a good day and keeping in mind that God is at work in all of this mess, even if I can't see through it to the other side yet.

"Thank you for responding to me; 

      you've truly become my salvation! 

   The stone the masons discarded as flawed 

      is now the capstone! 

   This is God's work. 

      We rub our eyes—we can hardly believe it! 

   This is the very day God acted— 

      let's celebrate and be festive! 

   Salvation now, God. Salvation now! 

      Oh yes, God—a free and full life!"

~Psalms 118:21-25~

True Origins

"My true origin is in the One who sent me..." 

~John 7:29

This statement struck a chord with me as I read through chapter 7 this morning.  A big part of my journey over the last couple of years has been focused on better understanding who I am in Christ...not just the fact that He loves me, but digging deeper in understanding how He sees me and what the depth of His love looks like.

“We are God’s chief creation, and we are here for His pleasure and His glory.  God did not create us so that He could have a front-row seat at an ongoing saga of our follies and failures.  He created us because He delights in us…not because He needed us, but because He wanted us (Revelation 4:11).  God measures His riches by His children.  We are His wealth, the apple of His eye, created to be His treasure.”

~Beth Moore~

We were created in His image and for His pleasure.  He loved us before we knew Him and there is nothing we can ever do to love Him more than He loves us.  As daughters of the King, He does NOT keep a running tally of our faults and mistakes nor does He beat us over the head with them or come after us with a spirit of shame and/or condemnation.  Rather, He is the perfect picture of patience, grace, and unconditional love.  God is FOR us.  He genuinely wants the best for us and wants to give us a life of freedom through Him…we just have to embrace it.

“By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” 

~Romans 5:1-2~

It is in Him and Him alone that we find our true identity and origin.  I know that I have spent a number of years embracing and believing personal truths that were simply lies that Satan has used to keep me in bondage.  But, as I continue to better understand who I really am in Christ and the more lies I am able to uncover and replace with His Truth, the bigger the steps I am taking towards freedom and that is an amazing part of the journey.

This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible and especially from The Message:

“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.  We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.  None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”  

~Romans 8:31-39~