True Worship

"But the time is coming--it has, in fact, come--when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.  It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself - Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

~John 4:23-24~

I love this!  There are so many of us that often feel as if we're not enough, have nothing of value to offer Him, or that we are just simply too messed up to even do it right. But God simply wants us...exactly who we are, with all of our flaws and insecurities. He wants us to come as we are and worship and adore Him for who HE is...not focusing on what we are not or are lacking. In fact, it's in those moments of pure worship before Him that He often begins writing on the slate of our hearts..."I love you...You are my precious daughter...and I will never walk away from You."  And as we begin to believe that at a heart level, we have even more to worship and adore Him for.

The Cup of Suffering

I’ve been studying the book of John this summer, taking one chapter a week and this week we find ourselves in Chapter 18.  At this point in the story, Jesus had been preparing His disciples for the days ahead that would soon lead to His death and Judas has already betrayed Him for 30 pieces of silver that set a series of events into motion.  Now they find themselves in the Garden of Gethsemane with a group of Roman soldiers, accompanied by Judas on the scene with the intent to arrest Jesus and take Him into custody.  Simon Peter steps forward and draws His sword and cuts off the ear of the High Priest’s slave in an attempt to protect Jesus and interrupt what is about to take place.  But Jesus calmly commands Peter to put His sword away and then asks him a question.

“Shall I not drink from the cup of suffering the Father has given me?”

~John 18:11~

As many times as I’ve read this story over the years, I've never really paid much attention to this question, but it is most definitely one I have to process and let sink in this week.  Here’s Jesus, knowing full well what is about to take place and understanding the pain and suffering that He will endure as God’s plan unfolds, yet He doesn’t panic…He doesn’t try to fight it or demand justice…he simply acknowledges who He is and is content to let God’s plan play out.  I don’t know about you, but when I’ve been wounded or judged unfairly, I want to jump up and down and scream, “This isn’t fair!!  Where’s the justice in this?”  I want to take matters into my own hands and confront the problem or person and make sure that they know the truth and I want to fix it…like yesterday!

Unfortunately, it’s when I take matters into my own hands, that I usually end up in trouble and in a pile of sin because I forced the issue rather than accepting the “cup of suffering” that is part of God’s plan.  And no, it’s not always fair or fun, and yes, it is sometimes painful, and you just want to pull a “Simon Peter” move and let the other person have it because they’ve gotten it all wrong.  (Although I wouldn’t recommend slicing someone’s ear off, lol)

But here’s the thing…if Simon Peter’s actions had stopped God’s plan from unfolding, Jesus wouldn’t have gone to the cross, and where would that leave us?  Sometimes we can have all the rights in the world to react to a situation that is unfair and has wounded us, but if God has a different plan and we choose to ignore it and go our own way, we will likely miss out on what He wanted to teach us, bless us with, or use to touch someone else’s life.  It’s a difficult thing to hold our tongues, to lay those injustices down, and trust that God will take care of the rest of it in His timing.  Maybe He will address the issues in a short period of time, and maybe they will never be addressed, and we just have to accept that and know that God is sovereign, that He loves us, and that HE has a plan not to harm us, but to give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

As usual, God’s timing is perfect, and while I am so tempted to cry out for justice and “assist” God in revealing some things, LOL…I know that He’s asking me to lay it down and I want to walk in obedience with Him because as hard as that might be and as many times as I might pick it back up and have to lay it down again, I know that He will not abandon me, that He will give me all the things I need to do what He is asking,  and He has promised a great reward at the end of this journey.

Make Yourselves At Home

“Make yourselves at home in my love.” 

~John 15:9~

I don’t think I’ve ever read this verse in this version...what a powerful statement. But what does it look like to make yourself at home?

I have a small group of ladies that I meet with on a regular basis and just do life with. When they come to my home, they are all in my kitchen, they grab whatever they need, help themselves to whatever is in my fridge, wash the dishes that might be left in the sink…etc. They don’t have to ask, they know pretty much where everything is (especially Erika, who at one point re-organized my kitchen on my behalf, LOL)…and we pretty much do the same at their homes as well. We’ve been through some pretty rough stuff this year…worst nightmares coming to light, dealing with sin and dysfunctional relationships, a spouse with cancer, job changes, financial crises, death of loved ones, and through it all, we have rallied around each other, stepped up to help without judgments or disappointments attached, and just extended enormous amounts of grace and unconditional love. It’s all been something somewhat new to all of us on a very deep level over the last year and a half, and now that I’ve experienced it, I don’t know what I’d do without my girls. Mind you…we didn’t start out this way.

About 3 years ago, I started praying specifically that God would bring just a few ladies into my life that would be what I call my inner circle of core friendships…ladies that had my back no matter what and vice versa, that would challenge me and not allow me to become stagnant, and that I could just share my life with through the good, the bad, and the ugly. So after a little over a year of praying hard about this, God started to place some names on my heart. I didn’t know what it would look like and I didn’t want to be the “leader” although I was willing to get the ball rolling. Eventually I contacted all of them and we agreed upon a time to meet…no expectations or obligations…just kind of a let’s see what happens. We did meet and I realized that I was not alone in feeling awkward, scared to be judged, and terrified of sharing the real stuff that was going on. But then we met again…and again…and more and more walls and barriers began coming down…and here we are a year and a half later and not only are we still meeting, but we’ve added a couple of new ladies to our group and have been immensely blessed. It’s far more than I ever imagined, and I honestly didn’t even know that I needed all that I’ve been given until I experienced it.

Having said that, I think that this is similar in our relationships with God. Sometimes we compartmentalize our relationship with God and maybe without even realizing it, we give Him access to parts, but then withhold others out of fear of being rejected, being exposed, facing a lot of pain, etc. But making ourselves at home in His love, I think, requires a couple of things. One…we have to show up. It might be uncomfortable, and like the first night I met with the girls, none of us knew what to expect or how things would go down, but we started by overcoming that one moment of fear and we showed up bright-eyed and terrified, lol. We can’t begin to build deep relationships if we aren’t present. Secondly, we have to be willing to move from “knowing” that God loves us, to “believing” that He loves us. For me, that was a spot that I was stuck at for pretty much my entire adult life until the last year, and please understand that for most of us, that it is a process…at least for me, it took time, effort and some outside professional help to undo some things that I believed about myself and God that stood in the way of believing how much He truly loves me. But I can tell you, that when you get there, it changes EVERYTHING!! There’s nothing off limits, He knows it all anyways, and there is freedom in understanding at a heart level (not head knowledge) that we can’t frustrate God away…He doesn’t keep score and stand ready to accuse us over and over again. Instead, He loves us as His daughters and stands by with tender mercies, compassion, and tons of grace!!! (Psalm 103)

I believe that making ourselves at home in His love is just like any other relationship…sometimes it’s slow…we gain trust and give a little more…let a little more of our guard down…experience love at just a little bit deeper level, which causes us to want to take another step. We find that He is trustworthy and does have our best interests at heart, so we give a little more…that’s how deep relationships are built, right? Eventually we will get to the place where we aren’t protecting those certain “off limit” areas as much and although it’s still hard, we become more willing to invite Him into those places to work in our hearts because we believe that He truly does love us as His daughters and wants us to become more of who we already are and who He intended us to be.

Pleasing Others

Does anyone else in this forum tend to be a “people pleaser” or battle seeking the approval of others? Anyone tried to be the “good Christian” and make sure they did all the proper things, attend every service, make sure we were super involved in ministry, perhaps in an effort to impress God or to seek His approval?

My hand is raised HIGH on all 3 of those questions. But I love what Galatians 2:21 says,

“Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.”

“An abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God” WOW!! Isn’t that what we’re really seeking? Acceptance, grace, and freedom that is unconditional? Definitely an area that I’ve been working on for a while and even in my small victories so far, the change and the depth of my relationship with God has far exceeded anything that I received from trying to impress others.

Verse 20 says,

“It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me.” 

There is such freedom in that! This is something that I’m continually learning to embrace in a practical way. I grew up in a “performance-driven” environment where I learned very early in my life that my self-worth and value were directly tied to what I did and how well I did it. I spent so many years trying to earn the approval of others and that most definitely spilled over into my relationship with God as well. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of God’s grace and it was a never-ending battle to do enough to justify why He would love me.

But that is SO backwards. We cannot earn His love or His grace. It’s a free gift that has been given to us regardless of whether we choose to accept it and embrace it or not. I don’t have to perform...I don’t have to be perfect…I just have to be who I already am with all my flaws, my strengths, and weaknesses. His grace is sufficient for me in all of those things and it’s in acknowledging those moments of weakness and mess-ups in our lives that we can create real and transparent relationships with our sisters in Christ, not to mention that His power and glory SHINES!! (2 Cor. 12:9)

I offer up a challenge that I am taking myself.  When I find myself striving to please someone else, I need to stop, take a breath, and ask two questions.  1) Who am I seeking to please and why?  2) God, how can I please you in this situation?  In some ways it's an intentional choice to retrain my brain.  But if I can get into the habit of asking God to be the driving force behind each day, it will and is getting easier.

Part of the Journey

“But his mother told the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’”

~John 2:5~

I happened to glance down through the commentary notes in my Bible and it said this: “Mary submitted to Jesus’ way of doing things. She recognized that Jesus was more than her human son – He was the Son of God. When we bring our problems to Christ, we may think that we know how He should take care of them. But He may have a completely different plan.”

How often have I come to Him with a problem or situation and then argued with Him about how He was handling it or what He was asking me to do in response to it? But the thing is…every time, I look back later and realize He had the bigger picture in mind and often wanted to teach me something about Himself that I wouldn’t have recognized otherwise.

Such a timely reminder for me these days as I work through some painful circumstances that I’ve managed to avoid for a while. I know in my head that His way is always better, but often my heart reacts out of a desire to avoid pain. I’ve heard this quote many times over the years, but I heard it again this week and it was really encouraging.

“The greater the trial, the greater the testimony.” 

Heaven knows I’m not looking for a bigger testimony, lol. But I do want an effective one and I was reminded again that I can run the race well even when it’s hard. Welcome to the journey of the broken road and I’m so glad we’re all on it together.

A Change of Perspective

"Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man that had been blind since birth.  His disciples asked, 'Rabbi, who sinned:  this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?' Jesus said, 'You're asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame.  There is no such cause-effect here.  Look instead for what God can do.  We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines.' "

~John 9:1-4~

I've been reading through John Chapter 9 this week and each time I went back to it, the same verse leapt off of the page, yet I waited and wondered if I should really share what was going through my mind in such an open forum.  But I am going to share it because as much as I’d like everyone else to think I have it more together than I really do, the truth is that I am a broken person with lots of baggage that is desperately needing the Savior to unpack some of those bags and throw them out and replace them with His grace, acceptance, and love, which is a much lighter load.  That’s been part of my journey over the last six months…going back to some of the deep wounds and hurts that I have somehow managed to bury and avoid, some of them since childhood.  Obviously, I’m not the only one in either that position or in the middle of that process and neither are any of you if you’re relating to what I’m talking about.

For myself, a lot of my baggage comes at the hands of dysfunctional family dynamics that have been passed down over generations.  There have been times when I look at my own situation within my family (husband and kids) and see a variety of mistakes and patterns that I have continued to repeat that have been detrimental to them and I just shake my head and wonder, what was I thinking?  I swore I would never do that to my kids or I promised I would never treat my husband that way…but then, here I am right in the middle of that deep, dark pit, with little idea how to get out of it or how to undo the damage that’s already been done.  Then it seems that I find myself getting angry and wondering how such dysfunctional behaviors (also known as sin) could just keep repeating themselves over and over, generation after generation, when each one is so wounded by them.  Why didn’t someone stop it?  I sometimes want someone to blame for my “lot” in life…but who?  My parents?  My grandparents?  Generations further back? Whose fault is it?

I think that is somewhat the line of thinking from the disciples in verse 2, when they come upon the man who was blind since birth.  They naturally assumed that his “lot” in life was a result of sin and was a punishment.  But I love what Jesus said to him and it’s tweaked my perspective on my own situation.

Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question.  You’re looking for someone to blame.  There is no such cause-effect here.  Look instead for what God can do.  We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines.”

I love the NIV version of verse 3…

”…this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

I can’t change what has happened in the past, but blaming others isn’t going to change it either.  However, I can shift my focus towards where God is working, and I can choose to take ownership of my own actions, behaviors, and thought processes and allow Him to work in the midst of that as He brings healing, reconciliation, and restoration.  Heaven certainly knows that my attempts at avoidance and “stuffing” things hasn’t helped to break the patterns of captivity…but I can and am becoming free of those chains as I’m willing to humble myself and live transparently in my relationship with Him.  He already knows everything about me anyways, so when you think about it, it’s kind of a ridiculous game of hide and go seek that we play with God, who never loses sight of us and knows what we will do before we even do it.

A Good Day

Just sitting here grasping remnants of thoughts before they quickly flee and are replaced with another...so much swirling through my head these days.  Wondering how Matthew is doing and how he is going to deal with not being able to come home next weekend as we had originally planned, and knowing that he is counting down the days and will be so incredibly sad and won't understand.  Thinking about a lifetime of pain that is clawing its way to the surface and just lies in wait to be freed and being absolutely terrified of all that I will find there...knowing some of what is buried and not knowing the many memories and blocks of time that my memory will not recall.  Then looking at a marriage in shambles...so many wounds and resentments...feelings of being abandoned and on my own to keep our family afloat for so many years.  A husband who is finally making efforts to step up...that's what I've always wanted...why doesn't it feel gratifying now?

Add to that financial stress, fear of failure, fear that my son won't forgive us for the mess we allowed our lives to become...that the damage is too great.  It's the first day that I've had any energy to do anything around the house after coming off of all the narcotics from two surgeries, and while the house is clean, I feel little accomplishment.  People keep saying that there will be good days and bad days along the way...nothing bad has happened today...but I feel like I'm floating in raging waters, just keeping my head above water and gasping for every breath.  Everything is so overwhelming...I'm not even sure where to start.  So as days go, it's certainly not been great day...but I'm thankful for the lack of another crisis, I'm thankful that Kevin is stepping up to help,  that we have a steady income regardless of the amount, and that we have amazing friends that are surrounding us with support and love...so I'm choosing to see this as a good day and keeping in mind that God is at work in all of this mess, even if I can't see through it to the other side yet.

"Thank you for responding to me; 

      you've truly become my salvation! 

   The stone the masons discarded as flawed 

      is now the capstone! 

   This is God's work. 

      We rub our eyes—we can hardly believe it! 

   This is the very day God acted— 

      let's celebrate and be festive! 

   Salvation now, God. Salvation now! 

      Oh yes, God—a free and full life!"

~Psalms 118:21-25~