A Good Day

Just sitting here grasping remnants of thoughts before they quickly flee and are replaced with another...so much swirling through my head these days.  Wondering how Matthew is doing and how he is going to deal with not being able to come home next weekend as we had originally planned, and knowing that he is counting down the days and will be so incredibly sad and won't understand.  Thinking about a lifetime of pain that is clawing its way to the surface and just lies in wait to be freed and being absolutely terrified of all that I will find there...knowing some of what is buried and not knowing the many memories and blocks of time that my memory will not recall.  Then looking at a marriage in shambles...so many wounds and resentments...feelings of being abandoned and on my own to keep our family afloat for so many years.  A husband who is finally making efforts to step up...that's what I've always wanted...why doesn't it feel gratifying now?

Add to that financial stress, fear of failure, fear that my son won't forgive us for the mess we allowed our lives to become...that the damage is too great.  It's the first day that I've had any energy to do anything around the house after coming off of all the narcotics from two surgeries, and while the house is clean, I feel little accomplishment.  People keep saying that there will be good days and bad days along the way...nothing bad has happened today...but I feel like I'm floating in raging waters, just keeping my head above water and gasping for every breath.  Everything is so overwhelming...I'm not even sure where to start.  So as days go, it's certainly not been great day...but I'm thankful for the lack of another crisis, I'm thankful that Kevin is stepping up to help,  that we have a steady income regardless of the amount, and that we have amazing friends that are surrounding us with support and love...so I'm choosing to see this as a good day and keeping in mind that God is at work in all of this mess, even if I can't see through it to the other side yet.

"Thank you for responding to me; 

      you've truly become my salvation! 

   The stone the masons discarded as flawed 

      is now the capstone! 

   This is God's work. 

      We rub our eyes—we can hardly believe it! 

   This is the very day God acted— 

      let's celebrate and be festive! 

   Salvation now, God. Salvation now! 

      Oh yes, God—a free and full life!"

~Psalms 118:21-25~